Farewell to the King of the Wild Things

“Oh, please don't go—we'll eat you up—we love you so!”  

MAURICE SENDAK 

JUNE 10. 1928 - MAY 8 2012

Lately it seems as though this blog is becoming a place for me to say goodbye to the people of the past. While I was writing at the paper, my first job was writing the obituary, I am beginning to feel as though as I am reliving my past career once again. This time the literary world is mourning the loss of Maurice Sendak, who passed away earlier on Tuesday.  Some of you may not be familiar with his name, but I am certain most of you are well acquainted with one of his most famous works; "Where the Wild Things Are".  To me, he was much more than that one book, to me he was the gatekeeper to the world of imagination. That one book changed everything for me at the tender age of six. 

I still can remember the excitement I felt when I first read this story, sitting in the school library at Immaculate Conception on the floor cross legged in my uniform engrossed with the drawings. I knew I was Max and when I got home I too would be able to travel though the days and weeks, into the month and year onto the ocean just past  the forest that had grown in my room. I couldn't wait to see the wild things gnash their teeth and roar their terrible roars. What Maurice Sendak did in that little book was draw a dream that enveloped me and encouraged me to read more. I never lost my desire to read and to dream. That same desire is what fueled my yearning to absorb more books, which in turn helped create my need for words. It is also the same craving that has given me the drive to write my poetry and now my manuscript. From one book, like a flash of lightening, my imagination was given birth to and the longing of more places that my mind could visit and create was unleashed. 


"Where the Wild Things Are" was not Maurice Sendak's only creation, he had many others turning Children's Publishing on its ear with his characters being more mischievous, more imaginative. His infamous illustrations pushed the envelope for many, being viewed as too intimidating for a young audience. I have to admit that when I first saw the monsters created by Jim Henson for Sesame Street, I was not afraid. Looking back now I have to wonder how much did that 1963 book and illustration influence Mr Henson.


Being an author of his own children's book was not his initial start. Maurice Sendak began his career as an illustrator. Using paints, pencils and color he created scenes that could engage a child's mind. I can remember getting my hands on another mischievous character named "Little Bear", also illustrated by Mr Sendak. 

Today in a world filled with electronic gadgets, video games and portable televisions some believe we are losing the ability to capture readers, especially young ones. I argue only if we don't expose the newest generation to books like those of Maurice Sendak do we face such a fate. As a mother of two, I gave my daughters a copy of that book, and had them learn to read it so they too can find themselves traveling into the forest. I celebrate with them as I read them that story, encouraging the little one to get loud and jump around when the "wild rumpus starts".

I am an aspiring writer with dreams of finding success, not in selling numerous books (although that too would be nice), but to know that the world I wove with my words allowed someone else to travel with their imagination. To have a reader venture into a world I created, where its beginning was simply started in a dream, transcribed onto paper. 


So tonight. as I read that very story to my child before bed, in hopes her own creative mind will spark, I will close the book and think back to myself at six, sprawled on the floor and thank Maurice Sendak. Thanking him for having created a world that allowed me to be wild, free and to roam wherever my mind and words could take me.  

             “And [he] sailed back over a year
              and in and out of weeks
              and through a day
              and into the night of his very own room
              where he found his supper waiting for him
              and it was still hot” 
                         ― Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are 

I thought I would share a few quotes, some that surprised me, by Maurice Sendak himself;

“Peter Rabbit, for all its gentle tininess, loudly proclaims that no story is worth the writing, no picture worth the making, if it is not a work of imagination.” ― Maurice Sendak, Caldecott and Co.: Notes on Books and Pictures

“Children do live in fantasy and reality; they move back and forth very easily in a way we no longer remember how to do." ~ Maurice Sendak 

“F**k them is what I say. I hate those ebooks. They can not be the future. They may well be. I will be dead. I won't give a s**t.”
― Maurice Sendak

“I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can't stop them. They leave me and I love them more.” ― Maurice Sendak

And The Beat Goes On

Today we say goodbye to another artist from the soundtrack of my youth.  Adam Yauch aka MCA from the Beastie Boys passed away earlier on Friday. His music with the Beastie Boys came in the 80's when much of Hip Hop was new, influencing future generations. I was one of the millions of "kids" that was a fan.  Admittedly, "Fight For Your Right" was my theme song, probably still would be if I didn't have to do that pesky thing most of eventually do,... grow up and become a responsible adult. My condolences to his family, the Beastie Boys and the fans.

Today it dawned on me, that little by little, I am saying goodbye to my soundtrack. My life had been scored with music and many in the industry have gone to play in a larger band.  In the recent years we have bid a fond farewell to Robert Palmer, Ike Turner, Isaac Hayes, Aaliyah, Lisa "Left-eye" Lopes, Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, Maurice Gibbs, George Harrison, Jason "Jammaster J" Mizell, Luther Vandeross, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Don Cornelius, Dick Clark, and now Adam Yauch. The list is becoming endless.  Even a local New York radio station, KISS FM 98.7 has gone off the air. Still, I can remember dancing to their music on my radio in my pink floral bedroom. I can remember getting ready for a date, or going clubbing with my friends with the radio playing in the background as I applied my makeup.

In my mind's eye I am still sixteen, lip-syncing to my hair brush. I am still the young girl learning new dance steps and getting mix tapes from boys trying to woo me.  I savored their music, and those times, but I am not sixteen anymore. Although at times wistful for those days, when the world was still new to me and whenever I was sad I could listen to a ballad. When Hip Hop music was in it's infancy, playing the vinyl (yes I said vinyl) of Rappers Delight until the needle wore a groove in it.  The soundtrack that helped launch me into adulthood, romance, marriage and rescue me during my divorce, slowly is coming to a close.

While I was reflecting on my past radio loves, I watched my own daughters dance around to their music, creating their own soundtracks. I smiled watching the older one try to teach the little one how to "Dougie", reflecting on my own days of the cabbage patch and running man. Although the music tracks that are generally played in my home reflect a newer generation, I am happy to know music is still a great part of my life.

There is a quote by Nietzsche that comes to mind as I write this blog; “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” I have always heard the music, and I am grateful to the artists who have shared their talents with us over the years.  I have lived and I relied on music to get me through the tough times, and ease my soul during the trying times. I have celebrated with joy and merriment, all while gyrating my hips to the beating tempo of great music. 

So I thank them one and all, past, present and future for sharing their souls, their music. Most of all thank you for giving me such great theme music and a wonderful soundtrack.

No quotes tonight, but I am leaving you with this video from the theme song of my youth!

In memory of: Adam Yauch

 (August 5, 1964 - May 4 2012)

Nursery Rhymes and Shakespeare Oh My!

Do you remember that old nursery rhyme about an old woman who swallowed a fly?  She swallowed a spider to capture the fly, then swallowed some more crap, rather then just spit the spider out!  I mean what was she doing to swallow a spider to begin with?  Was it a dare at the retirement home? Yeah, well I never got it either as a kid. What I do know is that there are medications out there, that for whatever ghastly reason we must take in order to get better, but no one focuses on the side effects.

Recently I became a raging loon. I can say that now because I know who I am, I am well aware of my faults. I am outspoken, loud and brash. I prefer to think of them as qualities to my endearing personality. Until last week! 

Before I continue, I must first apologize to my patient husband, who was made a victim to my recent lunacy, and my teenage daughter. Somehow the little one escaped the complete insanity, most likely because at four years of age she is on her own crazy trajectory, little people are not sane. This period of time found us becoming buddies, as I her mother, slowly disappeared into a crazed monster. 

I had to undergo a treatment of IV Cortical Steroids. Now let me expand on this for you to completely understand. I had an IV with steroids being pumped into me for three days.  The "benefit" of this was to bring down the swelling on my nerves, so that I could function once more. This is not the first time that I have had to undergo this course of care, but it is the first time that I am going to write and tell the tale of me and steroids. Frankly, I normally stay in the hospital for the week when undergoing this treatment because I am in need of physical therapy as well. Not this time, and someone should have warned my husband what fate awaited him.

I have heard the typical warnings of steroids, like most of you, the rages, acne, burst of strength. What I had been clueless too were how these are coupled at once when given a dose via the IV. Steroids do not effect everyone the same way, but the vast majority of people on them do suffer. What they should do is warn the family members that shortly after beginning the course a monster may be unleashed in their midst and to take cover. 

I will begin to describe how after the first half hour of the IV, everything that I drank, including water tasted like metal. Not that I have made a habit in my life to consume chrome, but I imagine that if I were to start, this is what it would taste like.  This was merely the beginning...

It is hard to find the words to explain the hunger that overcame me next. Only complicated by that "everything tastes like metal thing" going on in my mouth, I wanted FOOD! Evidently, when on steroids not all foods are what you crave, this would be too simple. I craved salty foods, which compounds the other side effect of water retention. Now does any of this sound like fun to you?  Regardless, I ate, limiting what I took in, because my hunger is scaring me a bit, and what is more I am getting scared that the metal taste is now becoming acceptable and a little palpable.

Would it be too much to ask that this be the end? Of course, because that was within the first hour, we have a few more days to go here.  Let's get to psycho. Psycho would be the mental deterioration that my mind begins to go into after I am done with the first course. Psycho is the woman that cried at commercials and wept at the story of a puppy that wound up in a cactus. I am not given to outbursts of emotions, but I was going from happy, nay mania, to depression to absolute anger over the most banal things. At one point my mind dare allowed itself to day dream getting into a fight with Iron Mike Tyson! Asides from arrogance to think I had a chance with anyone, what kind of crazy does a person have to be to even envision fighting Mike Tyson?! I dread the idea to further explore that thought process.

Alas, if it were only a tale of being an emotional roller coaster, there are more side effects yet to be explored. One thing my body seems to want me to do is find all its got to give when it came to side effects. Next came the freezing sensation. Freezing is an understatement, to more accurately describe this feeling would require you to take two poles of dry ice and insert them where your leg bones are. Freezing would have been a welcomed friend compared to this! When this sensation finally decides to leave another side effect pops up for good measure. 

The hits just keep coming. I am now going into the next phase, and for me this means acid reflux, heartburn and other pleasantries. My stomach acted as though I went on some acid ingestion bender and it was determined to teach me a lesson. How attractive am I at this point, with belching now being done by me, as if it were an event in the Summer Games this year in London and I was in training.

All of this is only met with the lack of sleep. Remember that line from Shakespeare in Hamlet's soliloquy; "To sleep, perchance to Dream; Ay, there's the rub, For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come"; well I suspect that the young Dane prince was coming off of steroids. I am still going without sleep a week later. This can be great if you are in need of studying for college finals, or finishing a project for work, but when your only job is to get bed-rest to get better, insomnia is not the most effective side effect.

So, to conclude, I had been reduced to tears, fits of rage (with the added bit of delusion; see Mike Tyson), feeling so cold I burned, following an insatiable need to eat massive quantities of food, followed by heartburn so bad I hated myself, and bursts of energy and the inability to close my eyes to sleep for one moment. Yes, I know about side effects, and I suffer from them, and I am not alone. This is what I have to go through to get better, sadder than that, it is what my family has to deal with in the wake of my steroids.
Just think, this blog entry was  based on only day one! 

To leave you without a quote would be so unlike me, so here it goes;

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." - Rachel Naomi Remen

"You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well."~ Wayne Dyer

10 Things I Learned About Myself

You know there is an old adage that says; "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger" and another one that is often touted about; "God does not give anything that you cannot handle". Growing up, upon hearing bad news, I would listen to adults say these phrases to others in need of solace.  I had begun to think it must have been in the bible, or these people had an insight that I had yet to understand. To me these were merely words of comfort. Little did I know how those very same words would re-enter my life. As some of you already know I have Multiple Sclerosis, MS for short. I have never really discussed my illness with others, I just gloss over it. I tend to say "I have MS" with the same tone that I would say; "I have to go to the Post Office" or "I have a toothache". No big fanfare, no grand pause, just a flat statement. I suppose upon much introspective self examination, (you know me and the self-realizations), I thought I would make it a topic in my blog, at least once.

To begin at the beginning; I am approaching my tenth anniversary, not of my marriage, or graduation, but of my diagnosis. There isn't one MS patient out there who doesn't remember their diagnosis date. This is the date our world crashes around us, when the earth drops out from under our feet, and when the universe and our own body seems to have teamed up to engage in a game of betrayal so great, we don't know how we will overcome it.  A few of us, sadly do not, and enter into a world of depression that it takes them before the disease can. This is not MY fate. I won't let this be my fate. 

Let me tell you how this all began, back in 1995 I threw a party for my online friends. We were all laughing and having a good time. I was single, and pretty much was getting more than just my flirt on. There was a point that I as hostess, got up to the stage to thank them all for showing up and suddenly I fell. It was as if someone cut the strings from a marionette, BOOM, down I went. I got up and played it off, some thought I had too much to drink, unbeknownst to them I had consumed no alcohol. It was jarring to me, but figured I would deal with it later. It didn't happen again for a long time. Then fast forward to 2002. I had a morning routine, get up with my daughter, get her ready for school, go for a run, come home, shower, dress, get to work. Same thing everyday, Monday through Friday, but for some reason I was tripping when I ran. I would look around for holes in the ground, none could be found. Then one day while at work, I felt dizzy and hot. I thought I had the flu and asked to go home, my boss refused, and after she left I knew I had to get home. Delirious, I drove home and went straight to bed. I took a nap, but when I awoke my world was altered, FOREVER. Everything that I knew to be true about me, my life, my dreams were about to be torn asunder, for when I woke from that blissful nap I had no use of my legs. I couldn't feel them, control them, they were no longer my legs. The same legs that let me run, climb trees as a kid, chase my own child around and held me steady as I carried her back to her bed countless times, were no longer there. They were no more. 

The event: I was burning up, I thought if I got into the tub I could cool myself off and whatever was happening to me would end. I low crawled (for all you army personnel you know of what I speak), to the bathroom I went. Once I got there I did not have the strength to hoist myself into the tub. I low crawled back into my bedroom, everything took forever. Then I had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do thus far in my life. Harder than filing for divorce eight years earlier, harder than starting over as a single mom, harder than rebuilding my life. I had to call my mother! My mother had been watching my child after school and I was due to pick her up soon.

These were my words to her; "Mom, I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't feel my legs or use them. Make arrangements for someone to watch over Danielle and meet me at the hospital, I am losing consciousness and might be having a stroke. Please don't cry mom. I will be okay, but I have to go now and call 9-1-1,.. I love you."

I hung up and dialed 9-1-1. I told the dispatch I was alone on the top floor of my townhouse, and suspected I was having a stroke and losing consciousness. They informed me that I had to get downstairs, and open the door or they would have to break it down. Now, if you know anything about me, you know there is no way I am having my door broken in. I assured her that by all means necessary I was going to find a way to get downstairs and open that door. I hung up, and did the only thing I knew how to do, I prayed. I had not been to church in a long time, but my faith had never faltered. I knew I had a relationship with God and asked him to help me. I prayed just as I had numerous times before, I prayed as I did when I was a child, I closed my eyes and turned my fears over. Somehow, at the end of my prayer I found myself in front of my door, just as the police and paramedics arrived, upon seeing them I passed out.

The hospital: My father had been the one first to enter my door when the cavalry arrived. He rode in the ambulance with me, I had no idea, I was still knocked out. Evidently, in the E.R. the doctors surmised from my condition I was dying. My heart stopped once due to my high fever and came back. Then they attempted to do a spinal tap, I was in and out of delirium. My father, himself a doctor, was the one who would up end up doing my spinal tap. Many doctors were treating me at this time, and then they decided to send me in for a CAT-SCAN, but the machine was down. The alternative turned out to be my saving grace, an MRI. This MRI allowed one neurologist to see what it was, and what was happening to me. It wasn't Lyme Disease, it wasn't encephalitis, it wasn't a brain tumor, and I wasn't going to die, at least not then and there.

The diagnosis: By now I was in a room, and conscious, with my parents around me, my daughter, now at their home was with my sister. I knew I would be fine, I could feel their love and it was all that I needed. Then a doctor walked in the room and asked to speak with me alone. He pulled out the MRI films and showed me my brain. He spoke slowly with concern; "I am afraid that I have some bad news, your films show you have Multiple Sclerosis. Do you understand me?" I nodded, I knew what this was, I suspected it back when I was tripping. I asked for ten minutes, before he sent in my parents. I took those ten minutes to cry, I cried for the cards I had just been dealt, for the life that was abruptly changed. I screamed into my pillow, screamed for the anger I had at the betrayal my body just gave me, a body I had been caring for and depended on. Then I wept, I wept for all the things that in one fell swoop, had just been taken out of my hands, with four words, "You have Multiple Sclerosis". My ten minutes were up, I gathered myself together as the doctor and my parents re-entered my room. I could see the devastation in my parents eyes, the pain that was inflicted on me was upon them as well now. I assured them I was fine, this will be fine, together we will be okay and not all is lost. I asked the doctor what do I do now. His answer was not reassuring, it was bleak. He proceeded to tell me all that I would most likely no longer be able to do, that there were medications to suppress my immune system and hopefully this was relapsing remitting MS. He left me with pamphlets and excused himself.

I was about to enter a new normal. I could accept that, but I would not accept was defeat. I was a mother with a child to raise, and no partner to pick up the slack. Whatever my new normal was, it was not going to be me giving up. I was going to go back home, to my townhouse with four levels, and I was going to continue life as I had always done. My mind was made up, and I never cried over my situation again. My lexicon was to include new words now; cortical steroids, exacerbation, immune suppressants, but they were meant for me to learn, not to let them limit me. 

The 10 things I learned about myself: It is amazing, in a time when all seemed dark, I found hope and possibilities. More than that, over the course of the past ten years I have learned much more and will share them with you.

1. I am strong. In part because I had the greatest support from a loving family. When I needed strength, I took it from them.
2. I can overcome challenges. I knew this before, I rebuilt my life when I was getting divorced and had to start over.
3. I had faith. Although I had not been to church in a long time, my faith in God did not waiver. It was my faith that held me when I needed it most.
4. I could be an example for good. I found myself having the opportunity to teach that anything is possible, and an obstacle is only meant to show you a new way around, not to stop you.
5. I was not resentful. Some people asked me if I ever blamed God, didn't I think it was unfair. If I asked myself; "Why me?". My reply is always the same; "Why NOT me? This could have been terminal cancer, or my sister could have been in my shoes, but I knew that I had the fortitude to deal with the situation, that maybe someone else couldn't.
6. I learned forgiveness. I found to heal my body, I knew I would need to heal my soul first, and forgive people for their wrongs as I hoped they would come to forgive my own transgressions. Without it, I feared I might be stuck, and I had no time to be stuck.
7. I learned to trust my instincts. I had suspected that something was wrong with me, and my doctors had assured me it was in my mind, or stress related. No, it was MS and had I trusted myself, perhaps I would have known sooner and not been side swiped on June 9, 2002.
8. I still had a life. I was not over, I was thirty-five, and was able to date and receive love if it came my way. Fortunately, it did in the form of the man who is now my husband and father of my youngest child.
9. I had a fully functioning mind. I may not be able to run, walk or do other activities that I took for granted, but I still had a mind and time on my hands to explore new avenues. I rediscovered my passion, for writing and here I am today, working on a novel and sharing my thoughts and wisdom in a blog.
10. I am grateful. Odd to some to hear me say this, but I had lived a full life. I traveled the world, participated in some pretty awesome things. I am a mom, recently for a second time and my best friend is my partner and I am able to lean on him, and he on me. Life is good because I am still here, and I have every intention to be here for a long time.

Surprise, no quotes other than to repeat the earlier ones that began this long entry. "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger" and  "God does not give anything that you cannot handle". I have come to find these are more than words of comfort, they are words of truth. No matter what you come across, no matter how devastating, you can surmount them. You have a strength and a will that maybe you have yet tapped into. So next time, when you think you can't do it, think again. Try and if you can't go through it, go around it. Obstacles are meant to be life learning lessons, not life stopping.

Epiphany!

When I was twenty, I thought that I knew everything, then I turned thirty and became aware of just how little I knew. Then when I turned forty, I wanted to go back in time, so I could slap myself at twenty.  I know that some of you are laughing right now, most likely if you are forty or above you know this statement to be true. Our twenties however, are for just that, to be senseless. We really should call them the "ignorant years".  This is the time in our lives when we act foolishly, with a brazen arrogance, and claim we made wise decisions. Not so, we were fools, with little to no life experience, just learning how to navigate through the world. The passage of time has allowed me to find that you are never too old to learn, nor are you too old to change. Sometime between going to bed and waking up I realized a few things and wanted to share them with you. What is now a growing knowledge for me is that it is hardest to really look at yourself. Strip away all the layers and truly expose yourself, to the rawest nerve and look beyond to see who you are. 

We all can learn from past mistakes and events from our lives. This is called growth. You grow up when you learn from those mistakes, and when you come across a similar circumstance, you know better. "You know better you do better" is what Dr. Maya Angelou has said on the subject, and she is correct. If we continue to repeat the same errors, it only proves we have learned absolutely nothing.

My own arrogance was coupled with knowledge that I was smarter than the average twenty something. A high intelligence quotient does not give you the authority, or know-how to escape the pitfalls of a burgeoning adulthood. That's right folks, burgeoning, because the human brain is not completely formed until we reach our twentieth year. By all sane thinking we shouldn't be allowed to do much at that age, but for most of us, by the time we are twenty, we are already on our own and out from under our parents authority. Not that I am an advocate to have children stay at home indefinitely, believe me I have one about to leave the nest, and as she heads off to college this coming fall, I see this time as my respite. Maybe that is why parents are so eager to let the young go off on their own, while they are still developing. Whatever the rationale, the reality is at twenty; we really have no business out there on our own.

To further examine just how foolish I was at twenty, I got married when I was just twenty years old. Just what in the world was I thinking? I shortchanged myself, depriving myself of the youthful time that I was supposed to be screwing up and making mistakes. I instead chose to be a responsible wife. My ex-husband, (yes that’s right ex, you really didn't think it was going to last did you?), was a bit older than me, for some ridiculous reason I thought it would work out. Instead what happened was I grew up, finally. When I was approaching my thirties it dawned on me; that I didn't marry for love, or money, but, just because he asked. This was not going to be the legacy I wanted for my newborn daughter; to settle with a man, just because. In the process of coming to my own self-realizations my ex-husband noticed too, that I was no longer the girl he married. Trust me, this did not make for fun times in our home. As a result I had to start over, but now I had a one year old on my hip. This time however, I was not in a rush, I was not seeking validation from another to make me feel whole. I decided to take responsibility for how I got to that point and where I wanted to be. I had to peel back my layers and take a microscope to me.

When you take account of your own actions and decision-making, good or bad; it is liberating.  I had to venture back into the world, with a renewed aspect of life. Things still weren't easy, but I learned along the way. I came to know who I was, and just what I wanted from this world. Slowly, I got there, and kissed plenty of frogs along the way, sometimes hoping one would turn into a prince. Alas, this was not my destiny, mine lied within myself. Only when I was completely free from the baggage of my youth, and clearly standing on my own, loving me and relying on myself for my own happiness, did I find love again. So when I tell you to stop and breathe, to take account your decisions; I speak from experience. You have the key to you own happiness, trust me, of this I know, and this was my epiphany!

Simply quotes to mull over as you think about what I have said;

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”~ Robert Frost

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”~ May Sarton

The Common Denominator

No, I am not about to discuss math equations, but I am going to discuss another equation of sorts, a partnership. You ever sit back and watch a carousel? It is an interesting ride, as a child I would love getting on one of those horses, and go up and down, round and round with the music playing in the background. If I held on tight and closed my eyes, I would become transported to a magical place. Similarly, we (men and women), make the same choices when we get in relationships. To explain, we see a beautiful setting, hear the lull of the music, it is all alluring and we get on. We close our eyes, and fall into the ride, a ride I might mention, that really goes nowhere, it just goes around and around.  

Too many people find themselves repeating the same life patterns, having the same relationship with different partners.  The situation is always the same, the part you play is the same, with one exception, the partner across from you is different. The difference however, is only physical, the personality on the other hand; is the same as the first, second, or even the eighth person you began with. This does not mean you are doomed to this fate, as previously discussed in my other blog entries on the topic of love and sex, you make the choice and determine your own happiness.

Human beings require relationships to live. It is almost as necessary as water and air, in order for us to flourish and grow. These relationships however, are not limited to an intimate love relationship, they can be a parenting relationship, a friendship, even the relationship you have with a pet, yet most of us yearn for the companionship that a lover can give us. I purposefully chose that word, lover. Now get you minds out of the gutter, a lover is not only the man or woman you lay with. Just like most things in life we have blurred the lines between love and sex. Although the definition of a lover can mean a sexual partner, the truest context of the word is one who loves you. Perhaps it is that blurring between the lines that has helped us make the numerous mistakes in prior relationships. 

When choosing a lover as a partner, to love us and most of all, to receive our love we cannot always go with the heart. There are times when logic must intercede, and not permit us to continuously fall into the same trap, or we might as well be riding on that carousel. Recently, I have heard both men and women complain about the lack of finding a "good" man or "good" woman to share their lives. Women complain about men who cheat, use, abuse and leave them.  Men complain about women who seek out the financial aspect of their pocket, also cheat and lie, gaming them (the men) for their own benefit and leave when the next guy with more comes along. If any of these scenarios sound familiar to you, continue reading. 


The harshest thing I will say thus far is this; it is your own fault if you find yourself with that type of person in your life more than once. I hope you saw that I said more than once. Had you paid attention to all the signs, you would have known what this person was about. Remember, you invite people into your life, people do not go around grabbing folks off of the streets and force them to set up house. Dr Maya Angelou has said something that I hold onto when it comes to people, and it is an advice I hope you too will heed. "When someone tells you WHO they are, believe them." 


Simple, right? So if a woman looks to you to pay her bills and has no skill set to offer other than a pretty face, step aside and let her be someone else's headache. If a man constantly makes excuses for secret phone calls, or doesn't want to divulge much about himself, get to stepping, in the opposite direction and move on. No one is worth your tears while they are alive, but someone is deserving of your love. You need to remember that love is a gift, not an expectation. It is always easy to say "I love you", the hard part is showing it with action. No, cooking you a meal or two is not actively showing it, and his offering to pay for your nails to be done is not it either. Investing in getting to know you, your life and inviting you into theirs, willingly, now that is the first step in the right direction. So if you find yourself in a place with someone who makes you doubt yourself or your self worth, remember it is okay to leave. If you find yourself in the same situation again and again, well you are the common denominator, and it's time to change the script and get off the carousel.

As always I am going to leave you with some quotes to ponder on. 

"You can break my heart a million times, but I will not fear love. It is not Love that caused my pain, but caring for someone who could not feel my love"~unknown

"Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own loveless -ness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it." ~DH Lawrence

"The key to finding love is securing it within yourself, no one can complete you, love can only enhance you. Love yourself first."~unknown

A Dose of Reality

Love. Sex. Two words that continuously seem to find themselves intertwined, at times never belonging in the same paragraph, let alone in the same sentence. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't only women that fall for this trap. Human beings have an undeniable way of creating a situation in the mind, to justify our actions. We live in a world full of contradictions of our own making. He doesn't want a too promiscuous partner, but hope she will put out on the first date. She doesn't want the constraints of a commitment, but he better not be seeing anyone else. Some will claim the key to a good relationship is knowing someone well, but think that The Bachelor may actually be the road to a good relationship. Endless contradictions.

The confusion of such things extends as far back to when we were children, where young girls are lied to about a number of things regarding love, sex and men. We are bombarded with the handsome prince rescuing the princess, going off into happily ever after. Another, which was briefly explored in the movie He's Just Not That Into You, where we are told if someone picks on you, he likes you. It is no wonder that women grow up believing that they are going to get that magical ending and romance lies in the bedroom. Not so ladies, sex lies in the bedroom. Confusing sex for romance or love for sex is common, so you are not alone. Heck, I fell for that too when I was younger, but wisdom and experience has taught me differently.

The truth is sex is just that, sex. It can be enhanced when the feeling of love is involved, but it more than likely will not lead to love. These are the excuses we make, in order to justify the guilt one may suffer from, after engaging in the act. What we are prone to is the hypocrisy that women are not sexual beings, but can be made into sexual objects. As women we are told to be chaste, reserved and most of all that only sluts are promiscuous. If this were true, I strongly suspect the earth's population would be greatly under control.  

It is important for us all, (men and women), to understand a few things, one that sex is good. Second, if you are a mature adult, it is okay to have have a partner or more before your life is over, and finally, having sex does not mean you are in love even if it is called love making. I know of what I speak, trust me. The jig is up now fellas, I am going to tell the women the truth here, the whole truth. They (men) lie! They lie about loving you, caring for you and wanting to know you because their end goal is to get you in the sack. If you are willing to believe it, they can sell you anything, just  to get to that goal, so don't believe the hype. You must ask yourself how can a man I barely know love me? Have I met his friends? His family? If not, chances are he is selling you a tale of romance to meet his end goal. 

Now, don't worry guys, I got you covered, she lies too! Granted mostly to herself, in order to justify her being in the horizontal with you. She did want a relationship, she is looking for "the right guy" and sorry, but chances are she has had a few more lovers than she admitted to. A good rule of thumb for detecting the one's wanting more from you then just a roll in the hay, check where her confidence is. Does she seek reassurance? Is she too into your activities? Too eager to blend your life with hers? If so, realize that you are dealing with a potential emotional time bomb and if you invite her into the bedroom, be ready to invite her into all avenues of your life.

There is only one way to combat these potential dilemmas, HONESTY. We, all must learn to be brutally honest with one another when it comes to sex and love. If you  can't, stop playing with the adults and head back to the kiddie section of the pool. Brutal honesty does not mean being rude or curt, it means to tell the truth. Ladies, if you want a relationship no more head games. IT DOES NOT WORK! I do not care what Hollywood is telling you. There are men out there, that seek a partner and companionship, those are the men you need to find. Not the ones still playing the field. Men, there are women who are fine with the friends with benefits package, so stop feeding lines.

Most of all enough with asking for something that you yourself do not have. Frankly, I am annoyed with both the men and women who have these lists for the perfect mate for themselves, yet they do not possess these same qualities. If you desire certain things from a partner, first before stepping out the door, before placing an ad on Match.com, you MUST have those same qualities within yourself.  Start with your head, go to your heart and the rest will follow. For happiness, we have to do the simple thing, be honest with ourselves, then honest with others, prepare ourselves to receive and finally,...breathe and receive. Remember, you are the architect for your own happiness, no matter what it may be. To be single and have lovers, to be mated with your true love. It all lies within your grasp, but it is done with conscience choices, beginning with honesty.

You all know me and the quotes, so of course I have a few for you to think on;

• "Don't marry someone you would not be friends with if there was no sex between you."~William Glasser
• "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."~Tim Robbins 
• "And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."~Khalil Gibran

For now, Dick Clark...so long

 That is how Dick Clark signed off every broadcast, and of those he had done many. I heard someone once describe him as an UBER-MERV GRIFFIN. For those of you not old enough to know who he was, he fathered more television than there were channels back in the day. Dick Clark had that same drive and work ethic. He was a host, creator, producer, and innovator for much of what we watch on TV today. For as long as I can remember, Dick Clark has been there, somewhere in the backdrop of my life on the television. 

Some of you may not truly appreciate the role that Dick Clark played in the fabric of American Music. Before we had iTunes, before we had videos on MTV, (yes, it actually used to show just videos), we had American Bandstand. This show allowed millions of teenagers, over the span of thirty-seven years, to see the rock groups, pop groups, and the idols that they listened to over the radio, live. It was almost like having mini concerts, right there in the center of the family living rooms. I learned the bus stop, and the hustle watching American Bandstand in the 70's, got "To Have Fun" with Cyndi Lauper in the 80's, and watched the magic of Michael Jackson throughout the years, all while watching American Bandstand. Here was a show that integrated before it was law, because one man saw music, and music alone. American Bandstand gave a format for all of America to see R&B acts, propelling Mo-town into the stratosphere. During an interview with Anderson Cooper after the death of Dick Clark, Berry Gordy said; "Had it not been for Dick Clark, Mo-town records and our acts might not be what they became. This is because of his (Dick Clark) efforts." 

Music was not his only area of expertise, as it happened, television was. He had gone on to produce countless shows. Amongst them was the $25,000 Pyramid. This game show lasted for years, and brought back the days of celebrities participating in a game show, with an average person. Think of it as Password meets Jeopardy. He, and renowned side kick Ed McMahon, hosted Bloopers and Practical Jokes. On this show we were able to see the flubs that had occurred during a taping of a variety of shows, followed by a good old fashioned prank. Here is a sample of those two ideas meeting at once.

You would think that producing shows, and having millions still look up to him as the eternal teenager, would be enough, but not for Dick Clark. In 1973 he created the American Music Awards, a show that dared to compete with the Grammy's, and like Midas, he struck gold again. Today, the show has a larger audience than its rival. 

It would seem that Dick Clark knew just what we wanted to see, most of the time this was true. He had his failures too, but none of them seem to have stopped him. There were other game shows, a talk show, and an evening variety show. Yet, rather than allow these set backs slow him down, he pushed on, found a new recipe and we ate it up. 

A native son of New York, he returned home and began a holiday tradition with us. We all can recall the ball drops at Times Square on New Year's Eve, with Dick Clark at the helm. Even his stroke didn't stop him, he made a recovery, and although not back to form completely, we had our friend back on the air, to help us usher in another New Year. 

No, life will not be the same now that he has left us. The soundtrack of my childhood, teens and adulthood always had him, DJ'ing the events in my life. It is safe for me to say that I will miss his presence. Dick Clark was, and will forever be irreplaceable. He was a legend and left a legacy that will live on in music, forever.

Ryan Seacrest, the heir apparent to Dick Clark (quickly following his mentor's work ethic and mantra), tweeted this upon the news of his passing.
"I am deeply saddened by the loss of my dear friend Dick Clark. He has truly been one of the greatest influences in my life. My thoughts and prayers are with his family.'


America has lost a friend with the passing of this legendary television icon. May his family and friends find comfort in the love we had for him as we send him off to a new bandstand with a choir of angels.

RIP Dick Clark. November 30th 1929 - April 18th 2012

Quotes are how I end my blog entries, so let us take a few from the man himself;

"I don't set trends. I just find out what they are and exploit them."~Dick Clark

"If you want to stay young-looking, pick your parents carefully."~Dick Clark