A few years ago, a guy I had known killed himself due to severe depression. Although sympathetic to his pain, my mind could not wrap itself around how a parent could do this to his children. In my mind, there had to be more than depression to lead someone down the path to take their own life and leave the wake that they do for friends and family to pick up and try to make sense of. I had a lot of pity for him, and his wife and kids.
Today, I have a clearer understanding of the bleak despair that he must have felt that day and the many days before; leading to his final decision. Although it pains me to say that I have a better understanding, I am relieved that I made it through the other side to tell my tale. Even though I have lived my life looking for the positive in everything, facing each obstacle that was placed in my path head on. Finding courage when I thought I had nothing left to give, I found myself in an abyss that shed no light my way, worse it did not allow for me to see the glint of light that was trying to find me.
I began this year with such optimism, convinced that a surgery was all I needed and back to my daily duties I will return. Little did I know that one surgery would turn into five (5) and a desperate fight for my life. I underwent severe trauma to my body, my mind and emotional health. In the end I made it through the physical portions with the help of my husband, parents, family and friends. I had a team of top doctors and nurses, trying to undo the damage that nearly took me off the planet, my mind however did not heal at the same rate as the rest of me.
Here I was, a survivor of everything life has ever thrown my way; divorce, Multiple Sclerosis, renal cancer, postpartum eclampsia, C-Dif, through it all I pushed through and came out with a better outlook on life and a greater appreciation for everyday and the simple joys that life has to give. Yet, even I was not prepared for what awaited me this past winter. Although I was able to overcome most of the physical challenges that had befallen me, there was something more dangerous and insidious than the viruses that almost took my leg and life that was happening. No one noticed that I was slowly disappearing into the blackness of my own depression. I cannot tell just when it began, or how I found myself looking at life through a prism that truly was foreign to me. What I can tell you, is that I was there. I wallowed in it, bathed in it, hell I was drinking the Kool-Aid that was leading me to see only pain, sorrow without end in sight.
The pain that my mind was fixated on was very real and had the ability to only been seen and experienced by me. Worse than that, I found that the "essence" of who I thought I was as a person, a mother, wife, daughter and sister was eroding away. I was becoming lost and the deeper into the darkness my mind wandered, the more difficult it was for me to find the way out. Finally I found myself there, in the pit that swallows some of us whole and doesn't let us go. I was in the clutches of the monster called depression, it had no intention of letting me go. Strangely, there was a comfort in the thoughts of ending it all. No more pain, no more surgeries, no more difficulties, my dark thoughts had me rationalizing the actual benefits of not having to go on another day. Rather than running in the opposite direction of such ideas, the thought of sleeping and never waking up were beginning to be hatched. Just how many pain killers would it take? Would drinking alcohol speed it up?
Then I saw my youngest daughter, after having not seen her face for 2 months, or smelling her sweet smell or hearing her giggle and watching her smile with her eyes as well as her mouth. Her utter joy and innocence had yanked me forcibly out of the pit. If only for a moment, that moment was enough to allow me to see where I was. Although I would be swallowed back into the depths of hell; this time I was armed with something to save me. It was as if my daughter threw me a flashlight to assure me a way back to her, my family, more importantly to me. My journey back has been a long an arduous process, involving the first most important step of asking for help.
Fortunately, I had the means and where with all to recognize that I was in trouble and in need of some serious help or this would be the end of the line for me. I felt immense guilt almost immediately, realizing the weight of my life had been placed squarely on the shoulders of a five year old girl. She was not aware of what I had done, but I was and with my state of mind it caused a lot of internal conflict. Reaching for help was difficult. At first I think people thought I was saying I was suicidal as a euphemism, not acknowledging the seriousness of my statement, or where I was in my thoughts.
Today, I am better. I don't have those same dark thoughts, but I can tell you I am well aware of their proximity. Talk therapy was what helped me finally get rid of my demons that were fervently holding onto me. I am home, and still undergoing physical therapy on a long road to recovery. I am grateful to say that I finally do see the light, and although this experience has changed me, I am one of the fortunate ones that battled depression and came through. Many like my old friend, do not win the battle and sadly leave many of us behind scratching our heads with a lot of whys. This is not how I plan on going out of this life. No for me it will be a fight, teeth and all. I refuse to go down without fighting for every moment, because this life is all that we have and I, for one, want mine to mean something more than that I was here.
The following quotes helped me through some very trying times, and it wouldn't be a blog entry of mine without a quote or two. Thank you for welcoming me back, until next time.
"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill
"It always seems impossible until it's done."~ Nelson Mandela
