I have always been one who marched to the tune of my own drummer, and not one to follow the crowd. I had a spirit of individuality that was reinforced by my parents. They taught me to work hard for everything, and to have integrity, I in turn passed these same values to my own children. I was never one out to seek the popularity contest with my kids, nor was I interested in being their friend. That was not in the job profile under mother.
My fellow former classmates have decided however that this "friendship" was integral to child rearing. What it has seemed to produce is an entire generation of kids who cannot distinguish an adult from their peer. When I was growing up, adults were "Mr. So-and-So" or "Mrs. So-and-So". Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought to call one of my friends' parents by their first name. I had to teach my daughter's friends that I was NOT Christine to them, or CeCe, that was reserved for their parents, to them I was Mrs Benjamin. One parent actually called me to tell me I was wrong to correct her child, and that she encouraged her kids to be "buds" with her friends. Needless to say we differed in our parenting approach, and the outcome of her kids will be posted at the end of the blog.
Growing up my parents gave me chores and I was required to have a job on top of those chores. I was expected to maintain my grades and have a job, because they were preparing me for life. Fortunately, my job was a flexible one; babysitting! Back then I didn't see the point with the exception of the extra cash that was in my pocket at the end of the week. I did everything from babysitting, to life guarding, being a waitress and even delivering newspapers, either way, I had a hustle. These jobs paid for my new shoes, designer jeans, and Lord help me as I date myself; records or tapes. Today's youth don't seem to have this same demand placed on them. I hear too many parents say; "It's too much with all that they have to do already!" What? Now they aren't capable of doing what generations before them could? Have the children we bore come out more fragile then us?
Then we go to the actual education of these young minds, today we have more work for them to do with less information going in. A feat that I am still trying to figure out, yet there are actual graduates of prominent high schools that cannot answer the simplest of questions. Recently one night I was watching a documentary, and the interviewer asked college students a few questions. Nothing too difficult, like how do you split an atom? Below is the actual exchange that left me speechless.
Interviewer: "Why do we celebrate the 4th of July?"
College student 1: "To mark the end of World War I and II."
Interviewer: "Who did America claim its' independence from?"
College Student 2: "Easy, France."
College Student 3: "Germany?"
College Student 4: "The British..." (ahh finally there is hope!)"..Columbia, yeah British Columbia." (Damn, I breathed too soon)
This is a result of our allowing civics and basic social studies courses to have been removed from the curriculum. We didn't stop there, we allowed schools to eliminate Penmanship, learning to write in script, Music, Arts, and Phys Ed every semester. Perhaps this is because we fail to realize the importance of these courses, but that have an important role to play in developing brains. When a child is given paper, crayons, odds and ends and told have at it, the child looks perplexed. This is because we have removed the engaging part of their brain that evolves to be the problem solver, because rather to let them be, we show them what to do step-by-step. Eliminating the need to think for themselves, instead we insist that they conform.
Worse still, we have removed competition. We have games where there is no score being kept, evidently in the new Utopian world my peers are dreaming up competition is a bad thing. I do not know why we have deviated so far from the path. Our parents did not raise a bunch of self indulgent, instant gratifying individuals, yet somehow, we thought (not all but many of us) that this was a better way to be. I say NO MORE.
There is plenty of time in the future when we grow old to become our children's friend, but until these people are out on their own, we have a job to do. Make certain they are educated, can sustain a life for them selves apart from us, and to think for themselves. This will not happen if we don't use the basics. I may not have all the answers, but so far my kids are turning out pretty damn well.
I believe this parenting job outstretches the four walls of the house. So here are my suggestions to helping raise a better child. Pay attention, some of you may recognize your own parents in this advice.
To begin with, remember education begins at home, so start with reading to your kids from the moment you bring them home from the hospital. Books and reading should not be kryptonite to your kids. This is where their imagination is given its' first spark. They have to envision the scenes.
Enough with trying to be their buddies, that is what their peers are for. Your mom and dad weren't cool when you were a kid, and your kids don't necessarily want you to hang with them. It is okay to tell them NO! I assure you following the tantrum if thrown, they will recover, even more they will be grateful for the rules.
Have expectations for your children. They need to learn to set goals and more importantly, they need to learn how to achieve them. If you expect nothing, guess what, you get nothing. If you expect and demand the best, they might surprise you and exceed your expectations. Now this does not mean to become Joan Crawford on them, but encourage them when you tell them what you expect of them. Let them know you are well aware that they are smart and capable of achieving anything, as long as they set their mind to it.
The most important is expect to fail! Try as we may we will mess up, that is okay. It does not mean that we owe them the keys to the city because we messed up. Step back, assess the damage, and go back to the basics. That means give them curfews, punish when warranted, take away the car keys, iPhone, tablet or whatever. Remind them that YOU are the parent and are on the job 24 hours a day for life, therefore you get to make the rules.
In my home my kids can't even turn on the television without permission. A friend asked me how did I do that? As if it were a parlor trick, that is when I noted that I had expected my kids to follow rules, while she did not. Earlier, I said I would tell you of what happened to the woman that called me about telling her daughter not to call me by my first name. Well, while my daughter graduated and went on to a competitive university to continue her education, her daughter is hanging out at home, without a job or a high school diploma. There was no reason her child couldn't have succeeded. She had a two parent home, access to the best of everything, but she was never told no and nothing was ever expected of her. I don't say that could have been my kid, because I would not allow it to be, and upon giving it some serious thought, neither should any of us. Remember, eventually they will be in charge when we have lost our faculties, who do you want taking care of you when you're old and feeble.
Until we collectively take control and shift the direction of our youths, we really don't have anyone to blame but ourselves for the mess that they leave. Remember, this is merely my opinion, but if you see yourself or think there is room for improvement, have at it. If you have been nodding in agreement, pass it on. The only way we can make a change is if we make the change.
As always, here are some quotes to ponder:
"Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"The goal in raising one's child is to enable him, first, to discover who he wants to be, and then to become a person who can be satisfied with himself and his way of life. Eventually he ought to be able to do in his life whatever seems important, desirable, and worthwhile to him to do; to develop relations with other people that are constructive, satisfying, mutually enriching; and to bear up well under the stresses and hardships he will unavoidably encounter during his life."~ Bruno Bettleheim
