Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A Tribute For A Legend

Rest In Peace

ROBIN WILLIAMS



July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014

"Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, 
(for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer.
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." ~Walt Whitman


I had not thought of this poem until yesterday when the movie Dead Poets Society ran  through my mind at the news of the tragic death of Robin Williams. I wasn't certain that I had heard the news correctly at first. I, like many others I suppose, thought it was another cruel internet hoax. Surely not Genie, or cheerful Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire be dead! Then I remembered that a thin veil of a line lies between comedy and tragedy. I no longer had the doubt, only the sorrow at a very tragic loss of a man I only knew through his work. Surprisingly,  as I was sitting at my laptop, reading the incredulous news of his suicide I noticed that a few tears had fallen onto the desk. 

The tears were not from the loss of Robin Williams, or his comedic genius. I believed I cried for the pain that he had been in to have taken his own life at 63. It was a pain that I had become all to familiar with following my own bout of depression following a year and a half in a hospital. Suicide, by definition merely means to take one's own life, the complete opposite of what our innate self instinctively does, self preservation. How could a man that gave us so much joy and laughter have been in so much desperate pain? It wasn't fair, I decided.

Then the words came across my computer screen, Robin Williams has died by an apparent suicide.  There was that word again. I shook my head, this can't be real and like so many others worldwide I took to social media. Tweeting my sympathies, expressing my grief, and remembering the numerous roles he had portrayed over the years. Another tear fell down my cheek.  Then I heard softly, "O Captain my Captain,..". Dead Poets Society, perhaps one of my favorite films of all times. The film deals with loyalty, leadership, friendships and teenage angst. The film climaxes with the suicide of a character we had grown to love and felt his disappointment when his father rejected his dream. Funny how this was the first movie that came to mind rather than his comedic roles, or standup. 

What I loved about this movie was the character of Mr Keating, played by Robin Williams. His love of poetry, words and the seduction of them. I saw the similarities shared by the actor and the character he portrayed. When you write jokes and tell them you have to have an affinity for the language. By far my favorite quote from the movie however was the line he gave following his reciting "'Oh Me, 'Oh Life".  What is your verse?

So to that I would like to answer in my tribute to Robin Williams, a man I had loved from a far. Admiring his wit, comedic timing, dramatic presence and his gentle spirit that embraced us all when he reached out to make us laugh. What was his verse? It was not that of a court jester, for he never played the fool.  He embarked on a mission to tickle us in the deepest part of our funny bone. A graduate of the prestigious Juilliard, he honed his skill as an actor taking us on adventures to lands as far away as Jumanji running away from hunters to Neverland where we fought Captain Hook. He dazzled us with his brilliance in Good Will Hunting and scared us in One Hour Photo. Made us feel compassion for the sick in Patch Adams and Awakenings, making some of us want to become physicians and heal the world. He made us giggle in The Birdcage and Mrs Doubtfire, wondering how could Sally Field not forgive him, forgetting it was only a movie. Some of us relived our childhood when we heard the Genie tell Alladin he'd never have a friend like him, or the wisdom of a crazy penguin, worshiped by many or when he embodied that fast talking Fender in Robots. His verse was more than that of entertainer, or icon. His verse was tour guide of planet earth and its' inhabitants humankind.  He showed us every emotion and made us feel them. We laughed, we cried, we marveled at his energy and endless talent. Now we sigh, and pause while we remember an old friend who many of us first met with two words; "Na-Nu, Na=-Nu."

Tonight, I will say goodbye to this Prince of Comedy the only way I know how; with poetry and words, that I think he would have appreciated. 

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without  effort
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting,  when we meet again.


Farewell Fisher King, you gave us a ride that was unforgettable and you absence will leave a void that can't and will never be filled. Thank you for sharing your talent with us all.

To my readers, I have no quotes tonight, my heart is full. Let's just remember the man that put a smile on our face just by walking in a room.




Monday, April 30, 2012

Nursery Rhymes and Shakespeare Oh My!

Do you remember that old nursery rhyme about an old woman who swallowed a fly?  She swallowed a spider to capture the fly, then swallowed some more crap, rather then just spit the spider out!  I mean what was she doing to swallow a spider to begin with?  Was it a dare at the retirement home? Yeah, well I never got it either as a kid. What I do know is that there are medications out there, that for whatever ghastly reason we must take in order to get better, but no one focuses on the side effects.

Recently I became a raging loon. I can say that now because I know who I am, I am well aware of my faults. I am outspoken, loud and brash. I prefer to think of them as qualities to my endearing personality. Until last week! 

Before I continue, I must first apologize to my patient husband, who was made a victim to my recent lunacy, and my teenage daughter. Somehow the little one escaped the complete insanity, most likely because at four years of age she is on her own crazy trajectory, little people are not sane. This period of time found us becoming buddies, as I her mother, slowly disappeared into a crazed monster. 

I had to undergo a treatment of IV Cortical Steroids. Now let me expand on this for you to completely understand. I had an IV with steroids being pumped into me for three days.  The "benefit" of this was to bring down the swelling on my nerves, so that I could function once more. This is not the first time that I have had to undergo this course of care, but it is the first time that I am going to write and tell the tale of me and steroids. Frankly, I normally stay in the hospital for the week when undergoing this treatment because I am in need of physical therapy as well. Not this time, and someone should have warned my husband what fate awaited him.
I have heard the typical warnings of steroids, like most of you, the rages, acne, burst of strength. What I had been clueless too were how these are coupled at once when given a dose via the IV. Steroids do not effect everyone the same way, but the vast majority of people on them do suffer. What they should do is warn the family members that shortly after beginning the course a monster may be unleashed in their midst and to take cover. 

I will begin to describe how after the first half hour of the IV, everything that I drank, including water tasted like metal. Not that I have made a habit in my life to consume chrome, but I imagine that if I were to start, this is what it would taste like.  This was merely the beginning...

It is hard to find the words to explain the hunger that overcame me next. Only complicated by that "everything tastes like metal thing" going on in my mouth, I wanted FOOD! Evidently, when on steroids not all foods are what you crave, this would be too simple. I craved salty foods, which compounds the other side effect of water retention. Now does any of this sound like fun to you?  Regardless, I ate, limiting what I took in, because my hunger is scaring me a bit, and what is more I am getting scared that the metal taste is now becoming acceptable and a little palpable.

Would it be too much to ask that this be the end? Of course, because that was within the first hour, we have a few more days to go here.  Let's get to psycho. Psycho would be the mental deterioration that my mind begins to go into after I am done with the first course. Psycho is the woman that cried at commercials and wept at the story of a puppy that wound up in a cactus. I am not given to outbursts of emotions, but I was going from happy, nay mania, to depression to absolute anger over the most banal things. At one point my mind dare allowed itself to day dream getting into a fight with Iron Mike Tyson! Asides from arrogance to think I had a chance with anyone, what kind of crazy does a person have to be to even envision fighting Mike Tyson?! I dread the idea to further explore that thought process.

Alas, if it were only a tale of being an emotional roller coaster, there are more side effects yet to be explored. One thing my body seems to want me to do is find all its got to give when it came to side effects. Next came the freezing sensation. Freezing is an understatement, to more accurately describe this feeling would require you to take two poles of dry ice and insert them where your leg bones are. Freezing would have been a welcomed friend compared to this! When this sensation finally decides to leave another side effect pops up for good measure. 

The hits just keep coming. I am now going into the next phase, and for me this means acid reflux, heartburn and other pleasantries. My stomach acted as though I went on some acid ingestion bender and it was determined to teach me a lesson. How attractive am I at this point, with belching now being done by me, as if it were an event in the Summer Games this year in London and I was in training.

All of this is only met with the lack of sleep. Remember that line from Shakespeare in Hamlet's soliloquy; "To sleep, perchance to Dream; Ay, there's the rub, For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come"; well I suspect that the young Dane prince was coming off of steroids. I am still going without sleep a week later. This can be great if you are in need of studying for college finals, or finishing a project for work, but when your only job is to get bed-rest to get better, insomnia is not the most effective side effect.

So, to conclude, I had been reduced to tears, fits of rage (with the added bit of delusion; see Mike Tyson), feeling so cold I burned, following an insatiable need to eat massive quantities of food, followed by heartburn so bad I hated myself, and bursts of energy and the inability to close my eyes to sleep for one moment. Yes, I know about side effects, and I suffer from them, and I am not alone. This is what I have to go through to get better, sadder than that, it is what my family has to deal with in the wake of my steroids.
Just think, this blog entry was  based on only day one! 

To leave you without a quote would be so unlike me, so here it goes;

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." - Rachel Naomi Remen

"You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well."~ Wayne Dyer