I am NOT a morning person

There are many reasons why I love having a blog. First and foremost I feel that my posts allow me to hone my writing skills. I have noticed that there is more fluidity when I begin to type,less noise and this clarity is transferring to my manuscript. Secondly, I can share some wisdom or wit with others, so far I have received a warm reception. Finally, if I am going to be honest, this space gives me a place to rant about things that bug me, things that also seem to bug you all as well. Today's blog is one of those days!


Let me preface this by stating I am NOT by any means a morning person. I am so certain of this fact, that I have made a policy (since I can remember) not to accept calls before 9:30 am or before I have had my first cup of coffee. I tend to be abusive to those that break this rule with the exception of my mother, sister and husband. Now it isn't like I am not awake, I get up at 6am to wake up my kids, but the little one doesn't leave until a few hours after my eldest, so my coffee time is delayed. A few friends have on occasion broken the rule and have found themselves on the other end of my tirade, but then again I have forewarned them. 


The tirades I give to friends and acquaintances are not laced filled with obscenities; those are reserved for "special" people. Yesterday morning at the ungodly hour of 8:31am I received such a call. Looking back, I feel sorry for the poor bastard, but I was back in my bed since my little one still was sleeping until the disruption. Here is our conversation, please forgive my gutter mouth, like I said I am not a morning person.

Phone (Ring Ring)
me (bleary-eyed, groggy and hoarse): 'Hello?'
Chipper eager voice:  "Good morning, may I speak to your husband?"
Me (waking up & curious): "May I ask who is calling?"
Chipper schmuck: "Well it's not necessary, I can speak with any adult in the house."
Me (now getting angry since I know this isn't important): "What are you selling?"
Chip the schmuck: "Oh no, not selling, just asking for contribution to the NY State Trooper Police Benevolent Association and I ..."
Me (officially PO'd): "I swear by all that is Holy if you do not remove my number from your list I will hunt you down and you will need to call the police for help!"
Schmuck (now bewildered): "There is no reason to threaten ma'am."
Me (getting ready to take the train to crazy town): "There is when you call me for bullshit at 8:30!"
(I hang up the phone)
It is now 8:37 am, and here comes my little one. "Mommy I want breakfast please!" There go my extra zzz's.


The clock now says 9:00am and I am in the kitchen, tending to the little one who is going to school at 12noon. I feed her breakfast, and get ready to start making my coffee. I am interrupted with the ringing of the phone. Looking at the caller ID, and don't recognize the phone number. Again, I apologize, I really cannot stress how much I hate the morning before coffee. I am great after, but to be truthful this isn't how I am once I drink some coffee, it's just before that is bad. Although to confess, I still despise telemarketers.


Phone (Ring Ring)
Me (annoyed waiting for coffee to finish steeping): "Hello?"
Another schmuck: "Yes hi there, I am looking for Mr Benjamin"
Me (rolling my eyes): "What for?"
Idiot who has no idea what is about to hit him: "Umm yeah, well this is Tommy calling from Proactive."
Me (trying not to cuss): "What is Proactive?"


Now let me stop and pause right now to explain. I didn't recognize the name of the product because I do not have any cognitive thoughts, other than care for the kids; before I have had my coffee. So when I asked the question I was not being sarcastic, I was still in my walking around functional coma. Now back to my verbal assault.


Idiot Tommy from Proactive that is about to cry: "Proactive is an acne medication that ..."
Me (now completely on the verge of a psychotic break cutting off the 2nd schmuck of the morning): "Listen my husband does not suffer from acne, and we are on the DO NOT CALL LIST! Take our number off your call list."
Idiot (now taking his life in his hands being assertive): "Well we aren't calling you, we are calling him."
Me (PSYCHO): "LOOK HERE MOTHER FUCKER, THIS IS MY PHONE, MY TIME IF YOU CALL THIS HOUSE AGAIN NOT ONLY WILL I SUE YOUR COMPANY BUT I WILL MAKE IT MY MISSION TO HACK YOUR ACCOUNTS FIND YOU AND CALL YOUR ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY AT 7AM!"
Whimpering idiot Tommy: "There is no need to be so hostile, I noticed your hostility since I first called."
Me (Still PSYCHO): "WELL YOU CALLED ME, JACK ASS, I DIDN'T CALL YOU!"
Tommy the ass pushing his luck: "You don't need to be so rude."
Me (agitated and thinking how can I hack this company directory to hunt this guy down): "NO, Rude would be me blowing a rape whistle into the phone!!"
Shocked, whimpering Tommy the ass from Proactive: "Well I don't need to hear you curse at me lady."
Me (Full Blown PSYCHO): "YEAH, WELL GO TELL YOUR MOTHER ON ME! JUST DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN YOU DUMB ASS!"
Idiot Tommy: "I don't see what I did to you."
Me: "Really? You called to sell me crap I don't need, and all before I had my coffee!"
Hanging up for second time.

Now I know that some of you are aghast at my behavior. It is shameful and if I were still a practicing Catholic I would have to make a trip to the confessional. Okay, I admit that I went nuts, lost control, I am not a morning person! Shoot me! Just don't ever call me in the morning before my first cup of coffee. Still I have to wonder what was the point of registering my numbers on the DO NOT CALL LIST if these people are going to call me anyway.


Side note: I haven't received another call from any telemarketers since. I suspect that I have been tweeted about by the poor saps that called me in the morning. Maybe they collectively warned other telemarketers not to call my number. Nah, just wishful thinking!!

Quote time, and yes even for this I can find a quote or two:

"A morning without coffee is like sleep." ~Author Unknown
 
"I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it." ~Dolly Parton

"I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time"~Author Unknown

"The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes