The Common Denominator

No, I am not about to discuss math equations, but I am going to discuss another equation of sorts, a partnership. You ever sit back and watch a carousel? It is an interesting ride, as a child I would love getting on one of those horses, and go up and down, round and round with the music playing in the background. If I held on tight and closed my eyes, I would become transported to a magical place. Similarly, we (men and women), make the same choices when we get in relationships. To explain, we see a beautiful setting, hear the lull of the music, it is all alluring and we get on. We close our eyes, and fall into the ride, a ride I might mention, that really goes nowhere, it just goes around and around.  

Too many people find themselves repeating the same life patterns, having the same relationship with different partners.  The situation is always the same, the part you play is the same, with one exception, the partner across from you is different. The difference however, is only physical, the personality on the other hand; is the same as the first, second, or even the eighth person you began with. This does not mean you are doomed to this fate, as previously discussed in my other blog entries on the topic of love and sex, you make the choice and determine your own happiness.

Human beings require relationships to live. It is almost as necessary as water and air, in order for us to flourish and grow. These relationships however, are not limited to an intimate love relationship, they can be a parenting relationship, a friendship, even the relationship you have with a pet, yet most of us yearn for the companionship that a lover can give us. I purposefully chose that word, lover. Now get you minds out of the gutter, a lover is not only the man or woman you lay with. Just like most things in life we have blurred the lines between love and sex. Although the definition of a lover can mean a sexual partner, the truest context of the word is one who loves you. Perhaps it is that blurring between the lines that has helped us make the numerous mistakes in prior relationships. 

When choosing a lover as a partner, to love us and most of all, to receive our love we cannot always go with the heart. There are times when logic must intercede, and not permit us to continuously fall into the same trap, or we might as well be riding on that carousel. Recently, I have heard both men and women complain about the lack of finding a "good" man or "good" woman to share their lives. Women complain about men who cheat, use, abuse and leave them.  Men complain about women who seek out the financial aspect of their pocket, also cheat and lie, gaming them (the men) for their own benefit and leave when the next guy with more comes along. If any of these scenarios sound familiar to you, continue reading. 


The harshest thing I will say thus far is this; it is your own fault if you find yourself with that type of person in your life more than once. I hope you saw that I said more than once. Had you paid attention to all the signs, you would have known what this person was about. Remember, you invite people into your life, people do not go around grabbing folks off of the streets and force them to set up house. Dr Maya Angelou has said something that I hold onto when it comes to people, and it is an advice I hope you too will heed. "When someone tells you WHO they are, believe them." 


Simple, right? So if a woman looks to you to pay her bills and has no skill set to offer other than a pretty face, step aside and let her be someone else's headache. If a man constantly makes excuses for secret phone calls, or doesn't want to divulge much about himself, get to stepping, in the opposite direction and move on. No one is worth your tears while they are alive, but someone is deserving of your love. You need to remember that love is a gift, not an expectation. It is always easy to say "I love you", the hard part is showing it with action. No, cooking you a meal or two is not actively showing it, and his offering to pay for your nails to be done is not it either. Investing in getting to know you, your life and inviting you into theirs, willingly, now that is the first step in the right direction. So if you find yourself in a place with someone who makes you doubt yourself or your self worth, remember it is okay to leave. If you find yourself in the same situation again and again, well you are the common denominator, and it's time to change the script and get off the carousel.

As always I am going to leave you with some quotes to ponder on. 

"You can break my heart a million times, but I will not fear love. It is not Love that caused my pain, but caring for someone who could not feel my love"~unknown

"Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own loveless -ness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it." ~DH Lawrence

"The key to finding love is securing it within yourself, no one can complete you, love can only enhance you. Love yourself first."~unknown

A Dose of Reality

Love. Sex. Two words that continuously seem to find themselves intertwined, at times never belonging in the same paragraph, let alone in the same sentence. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't only women that fall for this trap. Human beings have an undeniable way of creating a situation in the mind, to justify our actions. We live in a world full of contradictions of our own making. He doesn't want a too promiscuous partner, but hope she will put out on the first date. She doesn't want the constraints of a commitment, but he better not be seeing anyone else. Some will claim the key to a good relationship is knowing someone well, but think that The Bachelor may actually be the road to a good relationship. Endless contradictions.

The confusion of such things extends as far back to when we were children, where young girls are lied to about a number of things regarding love, sex and men. We are bombarded with the handsome prince rescuing the princess, going off into happily ever after. Another, which was briefly explored in the movie He's Just Not That Into You, where we are told if someone picks on you, he likes you. It is no wonder that women grow up believing that they are going to get that magical ending and romance lies in the bedroom. Not so ladies, sex lies in the bedroom. Confusing sex for romance or love for sex is common, so you are not alone. Heck, I fell for that too when I was younger, but wisdom and experience has taught me differently.

The truth is sex is just that, sex. It can be enhanced when the feeling of love is involved, but it more than likely will not lead to love. These are the excuses we make, in order to justify the guilt one may suffer from, after engaging in the act. What we are prone to is the hypocrisy that women are not sexual beings, but can be made into sexual objects. As women we are told to be chaste, reserved and most of all that only sluts are promiscuous. If this were true, I strongly suspect the earth's population would be greatly under control.  

It is important for us all, (men and women), to understand a few things, one that sex is good. Second, if you are a mature adult, it is okay to have have a partner or more before your life is over, and finally, having sex does not mean you are in love even if it is called love making. I know of what I speak, trust me. The jig is up now fellas, I am going to tell the women the truth here, the whole truth. They (men) lie! They lie about loving you, caring for you and wanting to know you because their end goal is to get you in the sack. If you are willing to believe it, they can sell you anything, just  to get to that goal, so don't believe the hype. You must ask yourself how can a man I barely know love me? Have I met his friends? His family? If not, chances are he is selling you a tale of romance to meet his end goal. 

Now, don't worry guys, I got you covered, she lies too! Granted mostly to herself, in order to justify her being in the horizontal with you. She did want a relationship, she is looking for "the right guy" and sorry, but chances are she has had a few more lovers than she admitted to. A good rule of thumb for detecting the one's wanting more from you then just a roll in the hay, check where her confidence is. Does she seek reassurance? Is she too into your activities? Too eager to blend your life with hers? If so, realize that you are dealing with a potential emotional time bomb and if you invite her into the bedroom, be ready to invite her into all avenues of your life.

There is only one way to combat these potential dilemmas, HONESTY. We, all must learn to be brutally honest with one another when it comes to sex and love. If you  can't, stop playing with the adults and head back to the kiddie section of the pool. Brutal honesty does not mean being rude or curt, it means to tell the truth. Ladies, if you want a relationship no more head games. IT DOES NOT WORK! I do not care what Hollywood is telling you. There are men out there, that seek a partner and companionship, those are the men you need to find. Not the ones still playing the field. Men, there are women who are fine with the friends with benefits package, so stop feeding lines.

Most of all enough with asking for something that you yourself do not have. Frankly, I am annoyed with both the men and women who have these lists for the perfect mate for themselves, yet they do not possess these same qualities. If you desire certain things from a partner, first before stepping out the door, before placing an ad on Match.com, you MUST have those same qualities within yourself.  Start with your head, go to your heart and the rest will follow. For happiness, we have to do the simple thing, be honest with ourselves, then honest with others, prepare ourselves to receive and finally,...breathe and receive. Remember, you are the architect for your own happiness, no matter what it may be. To be single and have lovers, to be mated with your true love. It all lies within your grasp, but it is done with conscience choices, beginning with honesty.

You all know me and the quotes, so of course I have a few for you to think on;

• "Don't marry someone you would not be friends with if there was no sex between you."~William Glasser
• "We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."~Tim Robbins 
• "And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."~Khalil Gibran

Now,...Let's Talk About SEX

Do I have your attention now? I bet I do. Amazing how such a small word can hold the attention of so many. The power of this word became apparent to me a while back.  When I first joined Facebook, I would post provocative questions in my status. First it was done just to entertain, but the constant observer in me delighted in the variety of responses I would receive. Granted, some were still too shy or intimidated to answer honestly, most likely due to the lack of anonymity. This is has never been the case for me. 

For the next few blog entries we are going to travel and delve into those various questions and peel back the shroud that still exists in our society when it comes to sex, men and women. Primarily sex and women.  The reason I have decided to visit this subject, is simply because we are already preoccupied with it. The proof is in the salacious stories we see bombarding our news, especially as of late with the newest Washington scandal involving the Secret Service and prostitutes. I am not going to dive into the politics of this latest scandal, we will have enough time for that, and I am certain that there will be plenty more to come. 

Today, I had a "tweet battle" (I swear that sounds like something out of Dr Seuss); with an acquaintance regarding women and sex.  It had been his assertion that women shouldn't have sex on the first date. Reason why? The man would not get into a relationship with them afterwards. This irritated me beyond belief. Please do not misinterpret what I am saying, I am not advocating for women across the nation to screw the first guy they see. Sex, however, is a biological impulse. It is also a physiological benefit to the parties when performing the act of sex. I am not making this up, you can check the facts with Dr. Oz, but I digress. It is not for the physical relief of pleasure that I say women can have sex on the first, second or last date, I say it because any two mature responsible adults can engage in sex for the fun of it without the baggage. Provided you leave the baggage at the door. Just realize why you are engaging in the act. Is it for the pleasure and relief? Or do you have an end goal other than an orgasm?

My twitter friend said; "More females than not (not all) who didn't wait wish they had waited a bit longer. Many stated that they felt cheap or used afterwards". I argued this and countered that if the woman is confident and self assured within her own sexuality there is no regret. Of course if the sex is bad, there may be some regret as to not having opted for the V8 rather than the bad bed partner. Someone else added that women who do have sex on the first date suffer from low self esteem. Again, I balk at this inference, for a woman with low self esteem, having sex on the first date, will feel just as bad had the sex occurred on the first or tenth. Reason being is that the sex was given with an ulterior motive. Ladies, I beg of you, stop thinking that your va-jay-jay is the Holy Grail. Just because you can do it right does not mean that the man will drop to his knees and beg you to stay with him. Too many women have been fooling themselves into believing that if they are freaks in the bedroom, the man will stay. Reality is a man will stay when you want him to.  Just don't expect to find Captain Save-a-Ho stepping up to the plate when your game is weak.

To better explain this I am going to state some hard truths to you. Do not seek what you do not already have. If you want a good man, with a job, financially secure and is stable, well then YOU need to be a good woman, with a job, who is financially secure and mentally stable. Flying your freak flag across the country does not insure you better odds, regardless of what your girlfriends may tell you. Men also need to not be so judgmental. If you are engaging in sex, responsibly with a woman after a great first date, she may just have wanted sex. We (women) are sexual beings as well, and contrary to popular belief, have active libidos and lustful desires.

I, for one, LOVE sex, and will state without shame, that I have had my share of lovers. This did not make me a slut, vamp or prostitute, I was merely a grown woman with desires and had them met. Difference is I did not have sex to fulfill some emptiness, or to validate who I was. My choice to have sex when I was single was simple, either I had a night with B.O.B. or I could have some time with a man I was interested in. Sex for sex sake can happen, for both men and women. Regardless of your choice, just be sure it is a choice you are prepared for, emotionally and mentally. 

Please also remember to always practice safe sex! Because they now have diseases that can kill you or never leave.

Always with a quote or two for you, here are my selections on this subject; 

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." ~ Woody Allen

“Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct, which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, bore some, imbecile level of life in an anthill.” ~Henry Louis Mencken