Epiphany!

When I was twenty, I thought that I knew everything, then I turned thirty and became aware of just how little I knew. Then when I turned forty, I wanted to go back in time, so I could slap myself at twenty.  I know that some of you are laughing right now, most likely if you are forty or above you know this statement to be true. Our twenties however, are for just that, to be senseless. We really should call them the "ignorant years".  This is the time in our lives when we act foolishly, with a brazen arrogance, and claim we made wise decisions. Not so, we were fools, with little to no life experience, just learning how to navigate through the world. The passage of time has allowed me to find that you are never too old to learn, nor are you too old to change. Sometime between going to bed and waking up I realized a few things and wanted to share them with you. What is now a growing knowledge for me is that it is hardest to really look at yourself. Strip away all the layers and truly expose yourself, to the rawest nerve and look beyond to see who you are. 

We all can learn from past mistakes and events from our lives. This is called growth. You grow up when you learn from those mistakes, and when you come across a similar circumstance, you know better. "You know better you do better" is what Dr. Maya Angelou has said on the subject, and she is correct. If we continue to repeat the same errors, it only proves we have learned absolutely nothing.

My own arrogance was coupled with knowledge that I was smarter than the average twenty something. A high intelligence quotient does not give you the authority, or know-how to escape the pitfalls of a burgeoning adulthood. That's right folks, burgeoning, because the human brain is not completely formed until we reach our twentieth year. By all sane thinking we shouldn't be allowed to do much at that age, but for most of us, by the time we are twenty, we are already on our own and out from under our parents authority. Not that I am an advocate to have children stay at home indefinitely, believe me I have one about to leave the nest, and as she heads off to college this coming fall, I see this time as my respite. Maybe that is why parents are so eager to let the young go off on their own, while they are still developing. Whatever the rationale, the reality is at twenty; we really have no business out there on our own.

To further examine just how foolish I was at twenty, I got married when I was just twenty years old. Just what in the world was I thinking? I shortchanged myself, depriving myself of the youthful time that I was supposed to be screwing up and making mistakes. I instead chose to be a responsible wife. My ex-husband, (yes that’s right ex, you really didn't think it was going to last did you?), was a bit older than me, for some ridiculous reason I thought it would work out. Instead what happened was I grew up, finally. When I was approaching my thirties it dawned on me; that I didn't marry for love, or money, but, just because he asked. This was not going to be the legacy I wanted for my newborn daughter; to settle with a man, just because. In the process of coming to my own self-realizations my ex-husband noticed too, that I was no longer the girl he married. Trust me, this did not make for fun times in our home. As a result I had to start over, but now I had a one year old on my hip. This time however, I was not in a rush, I was not seeking validation from another to make me feel whole. I decided to take responsibility for how I got to that point and where I wanted to be. I had to peel back my layers and take a microscope to me.

When you take account of your own actions and decision-making, good or bad; it is liberating.  I had to venture back into the world, with a renewed aspect of life. Things still weren't easy, but I learned along the way. I came to know who I was, and just what I wanted from this world. Slowly, I got there, and kissed plenty of frogs along the way, sometimes hoping one would turn into a prince. Alas, this was not my destiny, mine lied within myself. Only when I was completely free from the baggage of my youth, and clearly standing on my own, loving me and relying on myself for my own happiness, did I find love again. So when I tell you to stop and breathe, to take account your decisions; I speak from experience. You have the key to you own happiness, trust me, of this I know, and this was my epiphany!

Simply quotes to mull over as you think about what I have said;

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”~ Robert Frost

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”~ May Sarton